love-letters

I'm starting to grasp what this is about..

I do indeed love Nick.  I still do, and I’m coming to the terms that I always will.  There will always be a special place in my heart for him, but it’s not the place that I had originally thought.

He taught me so much in those months that we dated, and so much more afterwards.  I learned a lot about myself, and became more aware of my actions.  I saw things I loved about me, and things that I hate and need to change in order to grow in the way I want to. He brought out a side of me that I did not even think existed.. actually I wouldn’t call it a side of me— he brought out the real me.  Me.  The one that I hide from everyone I know.  And I loved what I saw.. but it pains me that I lost someone who I wasn’t afraid to be myself around.  And that’s what I miss the most.. I miss him, but more importantly I miss being myself.

I think it’ll be a while before I find someone that I can be around and be myself with.. but I’m hopeful it’ll happen.

I still hold onto him.  A part of me wants to let go, a bigger part doesn’t want to.  I’d be lying to myself and anyone else if I didn’t say he’s the best man I’ve ever dated, and hell one of the best men I’ve ever known.  He was great, and we were great together.  There were so many things right, yet there were things wrong too.  But any relationship has ups and downs. I don’t want him to move on.. I don’t want him to love any other woman the way he loved me.  That’s really selfish, but it’s how I feel.  And I guess I’m thinking about it because I met someone.  And honestly, I haven’t even been on a date with this new person, but you never know.

I know it’s weird to think so far ahead.  But I’m holding onto something here.. and if I try to take those steps to move on I’m going to let go.  The question is do I really want to do that?

I hear it in his voice too..